DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and four of our seven children have allergies to various foods, including pork, mushrooms and onions. Most of our friends and family know this, and will go out of their way to avoid these things. If they are having pork, they will make something extra for the two kids who can’t eat it, for example. We also try to feed our kids before going to potlucks or other events where the food may have ingredients we are not aware of.
About a year ago, my husband and one child were in an accident. Our church organized a food train, where people were bringing over hot dishes or having pizza and takeout delivered. (We did the same for other families a few times.) They did let people know about our family’s allergies, but some would still bring dishes over that contained those foods. One woman would say, “I know you said no (ingredient), but once you taste this, you can take an antihistamine and it will be OK.”
I am someone who hates to offend anyone. I didn’t know how to politely say, “It doesn’t work like that,” and didn’t want them to feel bad, so I just said “thanks.” A couple of dishes I was able to give to a relative, but some dishes ended up being tossed.
Not long ago, I had surgery and was in the hospital for 46 days. The church came through again. One day, when it was just my son and my husband at home, the same lady came over with the same dish. My husband asked her if there was pork, mushroom, onions or cilantro in it. She said that it was the same dish she’d brought over last time, and told him to take an antihistamine.
After she left, my husband threw the food out. Later, when he gave her the empty plate back, he told her it would have put him and our kid in the hospital if they had eaten it.
She left crying, I guess. When I got home and was told about it, I felt bad about how he had handled it. He said I should have refused the food the first time, even if it offended her. Is there a gentler way to refuse such things?
GENTLE READER: Everyone wants to be treated with respect and to be given the benefit of the doubt. And everyone wants the other person to be rational.
It would all work if we could just get everyone to reciprocate.
Your husband wants the onion-and-pork lady to understand that the family allergies are not mere preferences, and he probably sees the antihistamine comment as a disrespectful topping. He thinks it is irrational to bestow -- or to expect gratitude for -- a gift that has no value to the recipient.
What you need to remind him of is that she appears to mean well, even if she is acting in ignorance. One can attempt to educate her without berating her -- acknowledging her good intentions and saying that she could hardly be expected to understand how the allergies work, but that it would be dangerous to accept her kind gift.
Miss Manners would also have you appeal to your husband’s rational side: If he sends every would-be benefactor away in tears, he is going to be hungry.