Wayne and Wanda love reader feedback and received a surprising amount of input following last week’s letter from an overworked and exhausted parent and partner who was considering a career change to the culinary arts dream. His artist partner/co-parent was reticent to support given the potential impact on their lifestyle. One savvy reader offered these thoughts:
To the dynamic Wayne and Wanda duo:
Your responses to Mr. Job Superstar in the Jan. 19 ADN left one voice out. If his partner had written, I suspect that she might have issues with the epithet “selfish” and the whiff of her as a freeloader. She has been what sounds like an almost/single parent while Mr. JS has been working those longer hours and taking fewer vacations, not to mention maintaining an off-kilter work/life balance. For the parent of a small child to even find time to pursue a creative life is a challenge in itself. She may have had this midlife crisis proposal sprung on her, and a reaction of panic and pushback would be normal.
It’s interesting that nowhere in his letter is there a mention that he’d like to spend more time with his child and partner. And the always-wise Wanda is right that the life of an aspiring chef can result in even more long hours. He might check out the highly esteemed UAA culinary arts program for perspective.
Maybe it is time for a career shift. Heck, I got a master’s degree at age 50 and completely changed careers for one that I love. There were, however, long and thorough conversations with my husband and family, who made adjustments to allow me to pursue a full-time degree. Plus, we made sure our family had health insurance and financial security.
Mr. JS and his partner need those long and thoughtful mutual explorations of the next steps. What might they want as far as continuing education? Employment in a creative field? How will child care and the never-ending keeping of a home be handled? These are nitty-gritty issues. If they need help, there are professionals out there who could help moderate their negotiations.
A timeout, like a true vacation, could indeed help. Maybe she could use one, too. Just saying.
Wanda says:
So many great points are raised here, the overarching theme being that there are two sides to every story, or conflict, and it’s always so important to take a step back and try to understand each other’s interests.
There’s a difference between taking a position and having an interest. Say two people are fighting over a lemon. Both of them insist they need the lemon. That’s a position. Why do they need the lemon? Well it turns out one person needs the lemon juice, and the other needs lemon zest. That’s their interest, versus their position. Had they asked, “why do we each need the lemon?” they would have realized it was possible to share it — and both be satisfied, too.
In this case, the letter’s author wants to quit his job (his position) because they need a more balanced life (his interest). They heard their partner’s position: They are concerned about finances. But what’s their interest? And can the two intersect with everyone moving forward happily? Robust conversation, compassion and open minds could get them there.
Wayne says:
Zest and juice? My interest and position is lemonade, Wanda. And thanks for the feedback and perspective from our reader, and many readers, last week. In my defense, I did highly recommend a vacation/break for our burned-out and bleary-eyed writer — vacations can fix almost everything, am I right? Or at least they can ease some tension and offer clearer insight of what’s really going on back at home. But I did focus that vacation recommendation on the needs of the writer, not the needs of the family, so good catch.
I’m never going to tell someone not to chase their dreams or not try to remove themselves from a stressful, unhealthy situation, but I do try to balance that by providing a voice of reason before they slam on the brakes and then splash into the deep end of a situation that doesn’t just impact them. In this case, there’s a family to consider — their financial well-being and footing, their established routines and lifestyles, and yes, the needs and desires of the partner.
The thoughtful communication and thorough planning between you and your partner and family from step one, and the teamwork that you all used, and sacrifices you all made, to take the plan into action is a model for relationship success and maintaining strong bonds during major life transitions and traumas. We should all find inspiration in that, including our letter writer. Hopefully between the many offers of advice from the past two weeks, they can find something that helps them find peace in their professional and personal lives and make their family their partners in taking their next steps.
Got relationship issues? Got issues with Wanda and Wayne’s advice on relationship issues? We want to hear them! Send your notes to wanda@adn.com.
[All my boyfriend does is work, leaving no time for us]
[My girlfriend is already melting down about her New Year’s health goals. What can I do to help?]
[My fiance’s brother keeps invading our space]
[Should my girlfriend’s friendship with her ex bother me this much?]