Dear Annie: I am divorced with two teenage children. I caught my ex-wife having sex with her best friend’s husband (“Cris”). My wife and I had a long-standing friendship with this other couple, including taking many family vacations together with our children. It turns out my ex and Cris had been having a secret, torrid affair for years.
At the time I caught them, my wife’s best friend (“Denise”) was taking care of her mother who was battling cancer. My ex begged me not to tell Denise about the affair because of her mother’s serious illness. I refrained, thinking it would be best for my family, and of course I didn’t want to create a hardship for Denise, who has young children. Denise is oblivious of the affair and continues a close friendship with my ex.
As opposed to moving on, my ex seems empowered by being able to elude the embarrassment of an adulterous relationship with her best friend’s husband. She is in a relentless pursuit of bad-mouthing me to others, including my own children, as to what a poor husband and father I was and am. It seems as though she is building a defense out of fear that someday the secret gets out. This has been going on for over a year.
I’m growing impatient and frustrated that my discretion and restraint are being used against me. My passiveness (I am a mediator) is being construed as weakness. Isn’t there some point when I confront the other family and expose the hypocrisy, betrayal and lies of my ex and Cris? I tried turning the other cheek but am reconsidering “an eye for an eye.”
-- Should I Seek Revenge?
Dear Revenge: The best revenge is living well. Focus on what you can control -- namely, your own happiness and peace. But that’s easier said than done. What your ex-wife is doing is just plain wrong. You kept her dirty little secret to protect her friend, and now she is bad-mouthing you? There is no part of that behavior that is acceptable.
Have a blunt conversation with her and tell her to stop bad-mouthing you to your children. She is not only hurting you, but she is hurting your children by putting down their father.
Dear Annie: I love your column and read it every day.
I am a firm believer in positive vibes.
I believe in waking up every day in gratitude.
I believe in helping others.
I believe that we all have a purpose.
Thank you for living your purpose.
Your purpose is helping others by giving your positive advice to those in need.
Have a great day.
-- Positive Vibes
Dear Positive: Thank you for your letter. It made me smile.