DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please advise me on the proper way for individuals to serve themselves when passing dishes at a family-style dinner?
My mother emphasized that when one says, “Please pass the rolls,” and the breadbasket is passed around the table, the requester should accept the breadbasket in their hands with polite thanks and then hold it or set it down before selecting a roll.
Consequently, I find myself feeling surprised and irritated when I’m the one extending the breadbasket to the requester and they take a roll -- quite often without an expression of thanks -- and happily begin buttering it while I am left holding the basket. I’m then responsible for finding a place to set it down before I can resume my meal.
Can you please advise the correct protocol in this situation?
GENTLE READER: Family-style dinners are, by definition, informal. But Miss Manners believes that the rules for passing plates are flexible largely because platters are not -- and there is never sufficient open table space where it is needed.
The non-negotiable points, then, are: Do not leave grandparents -- or anyone else -- straining to lift something heavier than they are; do not leave anyone holding anything hot; if there is no way for people to serve themselves, offer to help -- usually by holding the tray steady. Lastly, thanks are always welcome.
Sometimes the item being offered is not worth the mess that will result getting it onto your plate.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am newly married and trying hard to keep up with appropriate appreciation for all those who have offered well wishes and gifts. I have a conundrum about how to handle gifts from a group of people.
My husband’s cousin mailed a gift and signed the note, “With love from [Cousin, spouse; Daughter 1, spouse; Son, spouse; Daughter 2, spouse].” I suppose she ran out of room for the six grandchildren’s names!
These couples all live separately. Should I mail one letter to the cousin, or send notes to each household? If I send one, should I address it to the cousin or to all eight of them individually? They don’t share a last name, so I can’t use “Smith family.”
Thankfully, I know that I must keep my thoughts about these well-to-do people sending a gift that amounts to $5 per adult to myself ... and maybe my new husband.
GENTLE READER: You may also want to be careful about how you share that information with your new husband: He might notice that it is his relatives you would be calling cheap.
Miss Manners recommends that you address your letter to the cousin, in the course of which you can thank her “and the family.” She does not recommend four separate letters not because she thinks that is too much effort, but rather out of concern that not everyone on the list would know what you were talking about.