DEAR MISS MANNERS: To my knowledge, longstanding tradition dictates that family and friends wear black attire to a wake and/or funeral. Over the years, I’ve noticed fewer and fewer people strictly following this practice.
My wife usually tries to get me to wear all black, even when briefly visiting a wake or informal service for someone we don’t know very well, such as a friend’s parent.
Although I prefer to be respectful and follow tradition when attending a funeral (I normally wear a dark suit), I don’t see any problem with people just dressing neatly, perhaps wearing subdued colors other than black, especially at a wake.
Is it acceptable to “lighten up” a little at these events?
GENTLE READER: Funerals have lightened up considerably, and not only in the matter of dress codes: If you don’t want your friends telling jokes at your expense, it would be best not to die at all.
This seems to be a deliberate departure from the traditional somber funeral, which was sometimes impersonal or hypocritical. But we do still sometimes see examples of the proper form -- at, of all things, funerals for national leaders.
When you see the televised funeral of a high official, everyone attending will be wearing black, in keeping with the symbolism of mourning. The speeches will be personalized with occasional light touches, but chiefly center on the person’s contributions to society.
Miss Manners has trouble understanding why citizens would not want to accord the same dignity to one another.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: About once a month or so, when I attend a social function, I bring a gift or floral bouquet to the host. Often this involves carrying the gift or flowers on foot through a public area on the way to the gathering -- for example, along the sidewalk, if I park a block or two away from the host’s home, or through the lobby of a hotel or apartment building.
Almost invariably, a stranger will say something like, “For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have!” or “Roses, my favorite! How nice of you!” If this occurs in an elevator, where we are all trapped for a minute or two, I have even had the other person attempt to take the gift out of my hands (on more than one occasion).
I never know how to respond in these situations. I am aware that the other person views this as an attempt at humor, and I do not wish to cause a scene. But it does make me feel uncomfortable, especially in the elevator scenario.
What is your suggestion for an appropriate response?
GENTLE READER: A proper response to someone attempting to grab something of yours in an elevator is, “Get your hands off my property.” Miss Manners might throw in a “please” in recognition of the jocose intention.
The equally unfunny remarks need not be acknowledged at all. But you could respond to “You shouldn’t have” with a firm “Well, I didn’t,” and to “How nice of you” with an unsmiling “I hope the recipient thinks so.”